Comin' Out

Let's see, there's a song by Fleetwood Mac playing in my head... "You can go your own way... go your own way...You can call it another lonely day..."  yes i believe it started playing in my head... hmmm, i'd say just right about the time the judge decreed the divorce.

YES, it's OVER!!!!  a brand spakin' new year, and a brand new start with my children!

as soon as the golden sealed paperwork comes in, i can cast off the current surname, and reclaim the surname i was born with. 

the ONLY thing i was really hoping would happen didn't -- that i could have at least hyphenated my kids' last names so that my surname would show, in the event that going forward applications involving the children wouldn't hit a sticking point on account of the difference in last names.

funny but 'd day' didn't quite go as i'd imagined -- with me next to my lawyer, and whore-se next to his, all 4 of us sitting before the judge, with the judge weighing in all the facts... all the while looking at whore-se out of his peripheral and thinking "slimy good-for-nothing bastard who threw away his family for his own selfish needs"...  ok, ok, so maybe that was my own fantasy judge but it's my visualization and i think i'm entitled.

anyways, we all 4 sat in a little room to hash everything out prior to going before the judge.  whore-se's lawyer seemed to go above and beyond a bit when it came to fighting for her client.  i understand fighting for one's client but give me a break, it got to the point where if for instance i requested red lollipops for the kids, she immediately scrutinized it and felt that the reasoning behind my request must most certainly be an attempt to undermine whore-se's parenting and therefore she would immediately fight for green lollipops.  give me a break. whore-se may have fooled you with his 'oh woah is me, all i want is to spend time with my kids because that's all i've ever known since their births,' but all i can say is, 'be careful what you 'pretend' to wish for pal because guess what, you've now got them twice a week for a couple of hours, AND every other weekend.

if one were to search for the silver lining in all of this, one wouldn't need a magnifying glass.  the benfit seems blaringly obvious. as a result of the parenting schedule (and whore-se's feigned desire to spend as much time with his kids as humanly possible -- although during the course of our marriage i was practially a single married parent), whore-se is actually forced to spend more exclusive time with his kids.  hahahahah.  the kids of course are loving it... and so am i. :-)  a benefit to me is: ME time!!!!

funny but my "mommy friends" seem to salivate as they ask me to describe in detail an actual weekend of time to myself without the kids.  it's not that we don't love our kids more than the mccain-palin ticket loved to get all "maverick-y" on our arses, but as any near burned out, frazzled mom can attest, self-time is a precious commodity.

wow, filed at the end of july, and concluded at the beginning of jan.  i should modify that to read "officially concluded" because it no longer felt like a marriage while he was living here.  i was at the point where the thought of him EVER touching me again was beyond the putrid feeling of throwing up in one's mouth.  so at that point of no return, i no longer considered it to be a marriage.  when he moved out at the end of august, and i happily changed the locks and alarm code on his arse, i definitely no longer felt as though i had a husband.  so this week's (mon to be exact) 'ceremony' was the final official nail in this long-dead marriage.

so right now there's a little DJ in my head spinning and mixing like nobody's business: gloria gaynor's 'i will survive'; whitney houston's 'it's not right [but it's ok]'; rhianna's 'take a bow';  jojo's 'get out (leave)' and my current jam, diana ross' 'i'm comin' out.'

so although the congratulations from my lawyer felt a bit weird to accept -- because no one cherishes the death of the symbol of a once-shared love that was cultivated throughout almost 6 years with laughter; tears; strength of support; surprises; and a secure peacefulness, as well as a union that produced two beautiful, Heaven sent angels, one does cherish the peace of mind that comes with knowing that it's over.  the lies: over.  the disrespect: over.  the callousness: over.

i feel that i'm a much stronger person than the pittiful, shriveling mess of tears that i was on march 26th 2008 when the discovery of his betrayal with a mutual friend crushed my heart and destroyed my world.  an exterior makeover (thanks to my now 5 yr old son who i'm proud to say seems to have quite the fashion sense) helped push my confidence level back up, and the love and support of friends and family helped to keep it up.

no person is an island and there is no way i could have kept my sanity without the help of my friends and family -- which pretty much are interchangeable in my book. :-)

i retained my sanity. i continue to enjoy weekends (every other) PACKED with activities to enjoy with the kids.  the kids continue to make me smile and most of all laugh. i continue to have fun teaching my fitness classeses.  i enjoy the time i get to reconnect with myself every other weekend.  i've replaced the slightly oversized clothes i used to wear (my thoughts: hey i'm married with no need to try to attract attention) with more form fitting clothes.  i've cut my hair and added lowlights.  i've a new look and a new outlook.

it's the start of 2009 and as diana ross declares:  "i'm comin' out!" :-)